What a Man, What a Mighty Good Man

My man is smooth like Barry and his voice got bassA body like Arnold with a Denzel faceHe's smart like a doctor with a real good repHe always got a gift for me everytime I see himAnd when he comes home, he's relaxed with pep


My heterosexual female friends keep me informed on almost a daily basis that there are no good black men out there. They give me statistics, quote Essence Magazine and give me the 411 on their latest quest to meet a good black man at the newest hot spot, in an all out attempt to support their hypothesis. These women have tried internet dating, speed dating and even the office fling. Some have allowed family and friends to hook them up on dates. Others have cooked, cleaned, worked-out, gave it up on the first date and even enlisted the “three month rule.” They have been to the singles ministry at church and even learned to “pole dance” to unleash their “inner-freak.” The battle cry of “they are all either gay or in prison” resonates stronger than ever among these women living in a post J.L. King Era. I have gotten these calls for years now, and I don't expect them to end anytime soon. Yet, the new trend for me has been that for every one black woman I speak with about the lack of good brothers, I talk to two black gay men with the same issue. I yell into the receiver “I thought they were all gay, so what's the problem?” That usually gets me a chuckle or deep sighs from the other end of the receiver. Perhaps I am overly optimistic, but I find it hard to believe that there are no good black men out there? In fact, I know more than a few. So if there are good black men out there, why then is it so difficult for us to meet and maintain a good relationship with them?
I guess one would have to define what qualifies someone as a “good black man?” Our definitions end up looking more like a laundry list of sounds bites we've heard over the years of what a good man should be than anything else. The list usually goes something like the following: He has to be attractive, in shape, financially secure, love his mother, be honest, have a big car, a big house, big hands, a big dick, good teeth, good credit, good manners, and good dick, have a 401k and speak five languages. That's the short list y'all. In fact, most would forgo the good credit and 401k for the big dick. In all seriousness, these attributes would be nice, but I have to ask how realistic it is to find all these things in one individual? Further, we must ask ourselves if we possess all those things that we are looking for in a potential partner. If my credit is “jacked-up” and my figure is less than fly, how then can I have a heightened expectation for a potential partner? The focus tends to be placed entirely on what the other person can bring to the table, as opposed to what both parties can contribute to the growth of a relationship. While the visceral is important (it is the thing that usually draws us in), I think we have to be able to move beyond that being the primary criteria. Qualities like good communication skills, spirituality and a good relationship with family should be paramount if we are in fact seeking to be in a lasting relationship. What this means is that we need to learn how to date, rather than completely immersing ourselves too quickly in situations. I have found that we tend to approach dating in inverse order; we meet, have sex, and if the sex is good, decide to move forward in the engagement of courting. So, we end up falling for the great smile, nice body and the good sex, as opposed to falling for the person in their entirety. Having already fallen, we become disappointed once we become acquainted outside of the “tall, dark and handsome illusion” and find that our compatibility is limited only to hot sessions between the sheets. The same becomes true when we place great emphasis on one's professional life. I joke with my friends about handing out my resume to potential dates to see if it gets their stamp of approval. My occupation is what I do, not necessarily who I am. It has no bearing on what type of friend, lover or parent that I am. The garbage collector or the MTA worker could quite possibly be really good black men, but our narrow scope keeps us from giving it serious consideration.
Aside from having a flawed definition of what a good brother is, I think that we have to also examine our patterns. If we take a moment to look at past relationships I think that we begin to see patterns form. Examining these patterns allow for us to see where the relationship went wrong, and by doing so we are able to avoid making the same mistakes over and over. In this, we have to be honest about the role in which we played in the detriment of the relationship, as many of us like to play the victim in a defunct relationship. By virtue of the fact that so many of us “come into our gayness” later, I have found that there are some really good black men out there who merely do not know how to have a relationship with another brother. Many of us have been told all of our lives that homosexuality is nothing more than a sexual perversion, and a lot of us bought into the hype. Thus, we tend to negotiate our relationship with other men from a purely physical vantage point. With this being the case, there is never really a conscious effort placed of moving the “relationship” to a higher level. I think that black women are at an advantage here, as there is a standard by which heterosexuals can measure themselves. The fact that most of us have never really seen long lasting gay relationships modeled for us puts us at somewhat of a disadvantage, because we are learning as we go. Though I know that many would argue that good relationship qualities transcend orientation, I personally think, based on my experiences, that the nuances and idiosyncrasies that exist in same sex relationships are unique. The fact that we live in a world dominated by gender roles makes it can make it difficult for two men to coexist. There is this unconscious or maybe conscious thought that someone has to assume a less dominate role in the relationship, and this can sometimes act as a road block in finding and establishing long lasting relationships.
The Salt-n-Peppa /En Vogue collaboration that created the song “What a Man, What a Mighty Good Man” became an anthem of sorts for black women celebrating their men. The thing that I loved about the song was that each woman celebrated the individual uniqueness of what made their man good for them. It seems to me that we are all looking for a prototype – the perfect man, as opposed to honoring what it is that we really want, and even better, what we need in a man. At the end of the day we will need more than abs and biceps to sustain something real. My intent is not to debase anyone for their personal preference, as we all have them, but rather, to remind us to give serious consideration to the possibilities that exist beyond the margins of our list. Good black men are out there. They exist in various sizes, hues of brown and professions – and there is one out there for all of us.