He Ain't Heavy... He's My Brother

“I must believe, I must believe, that the heavy grace of God, which has brought me to this place, is all that can carry me out of it.” James Baldwin

The bond of brotherhood is formed in a number of different ways. For some of us it was created in dorm rooms over cups of ramen noodles as we discussed sports, girls and a plethora of other random bull-shit. For some, it happened on football fields, in locker-rooms and better still on neighborhood blocks where we cracked on each others mothers, lied about when we lost our virginity and spent summers shooting hoops well into twilight. For others, true brotherhood made its presence known in our allegiances to fraternal organization. And sometimes it happened merely because we were the only two “brothas” who worked in a certain area of the company. As a testament to the importance of brotherhood among black men, the film industry has taken liberty to explore it in movies like “The Wood,” “Brothers” and “Get on the Bus.” “New Jack City” exemplified the “g-code” using the biblical through-line “Am I my brother's keeper” as constant reminder to have your brother's back. Despite how it happened, the thing that remains consistent in most brotherly bonds is the presence of some kind of common connection, the commitment to stick together, to fight for each other, push each other in the right direction (or perceived right direction) and always be available to lend a helping hand. Black male life is not a monolith, and to that same point black gay life does not exist in a vacuum. There will always be differences. These differences can either bond or divide. However, what happens when we allow the thing that links us as brothers, as “family,” to create division and allow for the zeitgeist of non-brotherly behavior to rear its ugly head? Does brotherhood truly exist among black gay men?
We categorize ourselves in a number of different ways – top, bottom, fem, masculine, dl, queen, t-girl, just to name a few. I question if these labels force us to segregate, and by segregating, severing the ties that bond us together as brothers. I made a recent visit to my old friend “Adam” to see what the latest offerings are in the city. In only a few clicks, I was able to view firsthand the divisiveness that exists within our community. Preference has truly run amuck. On a site where everyone is a man who has sex with other men, it is hard for me to understand from whence all the hate is derived. One can express what their likes are without bashing. If we are all meeting on the common ground of sexual affinity to men, why then is it important to pick apart a person's individual lifestyle in such a hate driven way? If we are really honest with ourselves we realize that our struggle is the same. We all face the same discrimination. We may be tolerated if our life mirror a “normalized” heterosexual lifestyle, but the fact still remains that acceptance is far from being actualized. At the heart of this is the human tendency to react in opposition to things that we do not understand. It is the “fight or flight” response – where you either fight against that thing (i.e. feminine men, trans-gender men, men who are out of the closet) with every ounce of your being or avoid it as if it were the plague. Instead we should seek to find understanding. I made a personal vow with myself some years ago to not speak publicly with disdain about another brother (or sister). By doing this it allowed for me to place a greater focus on myself and find that the flaws I so readily pointed out in other people had more to do with personal insecurities than anything else. My hope is not some utopia where we all hug and sing “flower child” songs from the sixties, but rather that we adhere to the standards of brotherhood.
Donnie Hathaway's remake of the Hollies 1969 hit song “He ain't heavy, he's my brother” is a favorite on my ipod playlist because it provides me with a constant reminder to act accordingly and acknowledge the fact that I belong to an additional brotherhood of men. Though my admission into this brotherhood was not a matter of choice, I am still responsible for nurturing it. When I speak negatively about my brothers, it gives others outside the bond a false sense of entitlement to do the same. Further, we do a disservice to each other when we allow for such comments to go unchecked. Despite the gay sub-culture that I associate with most closely, I must make it my business to look out for all my brothers despite their gay sub-culture. That does not mean becoming intimately involved in the lives of every black gay man, but it does mean that there is an awareness that exist as we interact with one another. As we increase our collective camaraderie, it decreases the chances for others to attempt to divide us and use us as puns. Let us be the true embodiment of brotherhood and be advocates for each other. It's like Donnie says in the song, “His welfare is my concern. No burden is he to bear, we'll get there. For I know he would not encumber me. He ain't heavy, he's my brother.”