The Vagina Monologues

I had an opportunity some years back, to see a production of The Vagina Monologues, an Obie Award-winning episodic play written by Eve Ensler that featured Ruby Dee and Phylisha Rashad. It was a once in a lifetime experience. I shared in “Sho’ yo' rights,” head nods, outburst of laughter and even tears. Each monologue in the show somehow related to the vagina, be it through sex, love, rape, menstruation, mutilation, masturbation, birth or orgasm. In essence, it asks the question, “What would your vagina say if it could talk?” The thing that I found to be most compelling about The Vagina Monologues was the recurring theme of the vagina as a tool of female empowerment, and the ultimate embodiment of individuality. As I revisited everything that experience was, I couldn't get out of my head a recent experience I had with another sort of “pussy” - “boy pussy.” The term alone makes me reel. During the course of a session, which didn’t include intercourse, this dude that identified himself as a bottom, kept asking me to refer to his ass in the aforementioned way? I found it to be a bit of a turn off; as I prefer to be involved with men that, well, enjoy being just that (I am not speaking in terms of masculine/feminine). Had I wanted some “pussy” I would have gotten some, along with a side of titties, but I digress. After that experience, I was left questioning whether there is some sort of validation of “manhood” for those men that take pleasure in calling their partners bitches and use verbiage like “boy pussy.” Inversely, I wonder if the men on the receiving end feel that it is, in some way, a condition of them being gay – that this is what his role should/must be. I mean, the dude wouldn't even let me touch his penis. What's that all about? What man doesn't want a good nut?

The way in which we name, label and define things have a direct correlation with our thoughts and our actions. It is my belief that when we use terms like “boy pussy” we are subconsciously defining our relationship in terms of traditional male/female gender roles. I don't mean this in terms of masculinity or femininity, as masculinity, or the lack there of, has little to do with whether a man is a top or bottom. However, in setting up this dichotomy we begin to treat our “special places” like vaginas instead of what they really are; “boy pussy,” ain't pussy. Many gay men wear their ability to “take dick” as a badge of honor, with little acknowledgement for the recourse of their actions. From a human physiology perspective, the rectum is significantly different from the vagina with regard to suitability for penetration by a penis. The vagina has natural lubricants and is supported by a network of muscles that are composed of a mucus membrane that allows it to endure friction without damage and to resist the immunological actions caused by semen and sperm. In comparison, the anus is a delicate mechanism of small muscles that comprise an "exit-only" passage. With repeated trauma, friction and stretching, the sphincter loses its tone and its ability to maintain a tight seal. Thus, the implication of gender roles within the confines of sex can prove to be non-advantageous for us – when we allow for him to “beat it up like a pussy” we are in fact putting ourselves at risk. I am by no means saying that penetration is bad (Lord knows I'm not), but I know that “small people” can come out of a vagina after 9 months – I have seen asses do some amazing tricks, but that ain't one of them. All jokes aside, damage is more likely if intercourse is forcible or aggressive, if alcohol or other drugs have dulled sensitivity, if communication is poor, or if technique is clumsy. In a study published in the Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine in a sample of forty men receiving anal intercourse, fourteen experienced episodes of frequent anal incontinence. The best way to prevent this is through proper technique, clear communication, and mutual consent.

The residue of these roles often carry over into other areas where one person ends up either being emasculated or left playing a “submissive” role in the relationship. I can continue to play street corner psychologist and talk about self-hate, misogyny and homophobia within the gay community and how they all play into this topic; but I won't. I would much rather use the space to let it be known that I love my brothers. I like them masculine and effeminate. I like them tall and short. I like them slim, thick, toned and muscular. And I can appreciate the arch of a back as much as a dick that's curved to the right. More than anything, I want us to learn how to take care of our bodies (mental, physical, emotional and spiritual) and embrace everything about us that makes us men. In having gender roles we are in some way denouncing a part of ourselves, which puts us in positions that may not always be healthy for us. Let us be ever conscious of the roles we play and how our behavior could be perceived and exploited by others. Walk in your wholeness!